Communal Bonding
by xotakux2002x
Summary: The Akatsuki has pushed the nearby village a little too far; now they have to try and make peace with them. Of course, things can never be that easy when demented rouge ninjas are involved. Akatsuki, light on the pairings here


There were exactly two moments in Pein's life where he could remember feeling genuine fear. The first took place when he was seven and new to the training academy in his home village. He'd gotten into a fight with one of his fellow students and had given the child a bloody nose, prompting a chewing out by the instructor and being sent to the principal's office. Sitting in the small folding chair across from the head of the entire academy, Pein was terrified that he would be expelled and forced to attend a regular school, thereby condemning him to a boring life as an office clerk or retail worker. Fortunately this never came to pass, and Pein was able to successfully go on to become a mass-murderer.

The second moment was happening now, when Pein was seated in the office of the mayor who ran the village not far from the Akatsuki base. The wrinkled old man was staring at Pein over a pair of bifocals, hands folded across his somewhat sizeable belly as he leaned forward in his chair. He'd called the Akatsuki leader in for a meeting today, and something about the man's demeanor told Pein that he wasn't here to give the Rinnegan user an award.

"Pein, why are you so unhappy with our village?" he asked, his voice little more than a tired whisper. Pein almost wished the man would yell or rant at him; he was used to that. This conversation, however, felt more like talking to an extremely disappointed grandfather and made the Akatsuki leader quite uneasy.

"I'm not unhappy with this village at all. You've more than met the needs of my people and our base, and-"

"Oh, but I know you're unhappy, Pein. Why else would you constantly set up traps to maim our local postmen, to the point where we've had to hire a rogue ninja to deliver mail to your base (and at such a sizeable expense)?"

"Well-"

"And why else would you allow two of your men to run amok through our local art gallery on the night of a big show and insult every piece on display? Poor Mrs. Grimmels has vowed never to paint again."

"Deidara and Sasori can be-"

"And why else would you let one of your more zealous members harass the local churches to the point where several preachers have actually left town for better locations? We can't even find replacements for them anymore, that's how bad the reputation has gotten."

"Hidan's quite a handful-"

"We've also had reports of one of your more…interesting looking employees going for late-night swims and spooking the campers down by the lake."

"Kisame can't help how he looks!"

"Yes, but I am sure that he could refrain from creeping into their camps late at night, covered in seaweed and screaming 'Booga booga!', could he not?"

"…"

"Zealots, critics, practical jokers, hustlers at poker, even eccentric masked men that buy out the candy store twice a week; I could handle all of these, Pein, but your group actually went so far as to raze the village and temporarily take over when you were out of town. So tell me, Pein, what exactly could my poor little town have possibly done to upset you so?"

Pein didn't have an immediate answer. He knew that the Akatsuki always walked a very fine line with the local villagers, needing their supplies and technology in the event that things went terribly wrong for the members on a mission. There had been some bumps and problems over the years, but Pein had no idea that things had gotten quite so bad. "Sir-"

"Pein, you have got to do something about your men," the mayor stated in a voice that left no room for argument. "I'm up for reelection this year, and at the rate you're going, my candidate will be able to win simply by running on a platform of trying to get you people evicted from the general vicinity of our town. Neither of us wants that to happen, but my citizens are growing tired of me promising that things will improve when it never does."

"I understand, sir. I will talk with my people-"

"Pein, the time for your men simply being on their best behavior has long since come and gone. If you and I are to survive with the current balance intact, more drastic measures must be taken."

"What do you suggest?"

-

Hours later, Pein gathered together the other Akatsuki members in the mountainside base, even going so far as to prematurely withdraw Kakuzu and Hidan from an assignment. Once the entirety of the group had been brought together in the living room, Pein cleared his throat and gave them the most scolding look he could muster up (which was quite fierce). "You people," he began, "have finally gone too far."

"It was Deidara, I swear!" Hidan shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the resident bomber.

"Liar, un!" the blond shot back. "Kisame's to blame; I'm just an innocent patsy, un!"

"Like **fun** you are!" Kisame snapped.

"Hn!" Itachi added.

"Thank you angel, but I can handle this myself."

"All of you shut up!" Pein barked, pleased when his subordinates actually listened to him. "You are all responsible for the mess we're in now, so stop trying to pass the buck. Thanks to your failure to be good neighbors, the entire town now hates us. And if the entire town hates us, then the entire town is likely to band together and drive us out, or pull their money to hire people that would make it very difficult to stay here any longer. Now, there is a solution to this fiasco, so unless you want to spend the next Kami knows how many months living in the forest and foraging for food while we try to find a new base, listen up."

"What do they want us to do?" Sasori asked. "It sounds like they've already decided to be rid of us."

"This weekend," Pein continued, "as you know, is the day the town celebrates its independence from the wicked shogun that enslaved the locals for so long. There will be a picnic, with games for the children and plenty of greasy food for everyone. You will go, you will use your various and sundry talents to entertain the locals, and you will convince them that they don't actually want to throw us out." Pein had barely finished speaking before protests were issued by all members of the Akatsuki, save for Konan. "Oh, I'm sorry, I apparently led you people to believe that you have some sort of choice in this matter. Well you don't! Now stop whining and accept that you're going to spend Saturday working at a festival!" Grumbling and shooting the leader dirty looks, the ninjas exited the living room and returned to their own quarters, presumably to pout for some time.

Pein sighed and rubbed circles in his temples. Surely these people could see the gravity of the situation? They were destructive at their core, and the majority of them were positively morons most of the time, but they knew how important this base was to continuing Akatsuki operations; besides, everyone likes having a place to call home, and even the warmest of caves or most luxurious hotels couldn't replicate the peace and happiness brought about by relaxing in one's own room. For once, Pein decided to give his men the benefit of the doubt and have a little faith in them. Hey, someone had to.

-

Days passed, and far sooner than he would have liked Pein had to take his troops out of the base and to the local park, where festivities were already under way. Picnic tables had been arranged in a dining area near several food stalls, and a stage had been set up not far from there to keep the diners entertained during their meals. In the distance several game stalls were set up, and beyond that there was an area devoted entirely to kids, complete with craft booths and bouncy houses. Balloons had been hung up throughout the entire area, and brightly colored streamers decorated everything from the port-o-potties to the loudspeaker system. All in all, it looked to be a very nice festival.

Pein did his best to ignore the many terrified or annoyed looks that were directed their way by the villagers, and began directing the Akatsuki members on where to go. If only he had Konan here to help…but, paperwork stops for no man, be they peasant or perplexed ninja leader, and someone had to stay behind and file the great mess that was piled up in his office. Hopefully the leader would be able to handle everyone on his own. It was just for one day; how hard could things be? "All right, Sasori and Deidara will be working on arts and crafts. Remember, these are children, so have some mercy in your critiques!"

"Yes sir leader," the duo chorused, looking like they'd just smelled sour milk.

"Excellent. Kisame, you and Itachi will be taking some of the other children on a nature hike through the wilderness. Please be careful."

"Yeah yeah," Kisame responded. "Don't go too far, just show them basic stuff like finding north or making a campsite, we know."

"Good. Zetsu, you'll be helping the local ladies with their gardening."

"**I still say that's racist.**"

"For the hundredth time, flytraps aren't a race. It's more like specie-ist, if anything. Tobi, you'll be the fair gopher. Anything the workers need, you go for it. Clear?"

"Tobi can do that!" the boy cheerily stated.

"Excellent. Kakuzu, you'll be giving financial advice to anyone that needs it, and Hidan…where is Hidan?" The other Akatsuki members began looking anywhere but towards the leader, making him narrow his eyes in suspicion. "All right, what have you people done this time?"

"Well, we took a vote and decided it would be for the best if Hidan was as far away from this festival as physically possible," Kisame began.

"So, we may or may not have taken some semi-drastic measures to keep him away," Sasori went on.

"Which may or may not have involved forging a document stating that Jashin hated snipes more than anything else, un," Deidara continued.

"And we may or may not have told him that there was a snipe in the area that needed to be destroyed before it reached the village," Itachi added.

"And then we may or may not have laden him down with a bunch of useless supplies before sending him several miles in the opposite direction of this fair," Kakuzu finished.

Pein clenched and unclenched his fists several times, taking deep breaths to keep his anger in check before speaking again. It was far too early in the day to explode at his subordinates; besides, they needed to make a good impression on these people, and unleashing a verbal tirade was not the best way to accomplish this goal. "Are you telling me," he ground out, "that you lunatics sent Hidan on a snipe hunt?"

"…Yes," Kakuzu finally admitted.

"Do you people think this is a game at summer camp?! What happens if that neurotic little psycho figures out that he was set up by you, hm? Because I'm pretty certain the fallout will involve a lot of shouting and destroying things on his part!"

"Based on our estimates, it'll take Hidan a week to figure out that something's amiss," Zetsu explained with a smirk. "**So take a chill pill, Sir Leader.**"

"Hidan was so happy too!" Tobi chirped. "It'll all work out fine!"

"Pein, there you are." The Akatsuki leader spun around to see the mayor standing behind him, looking over the ninjas with a scrutinizing gaze. "I take it you and your friends are prepared to make a good impression on the voting public?"

"Of course sir, of course." Pein motioned for his men to disperse themselves amongst the crowd, giving them a final stern glare and warning to behave as he walked off beside the mayor. "I promise you, by the end of today the villagers will be more than happy to let us stay in this town."

-

Deidara had only been working at the arts and crafts booth for half an hour, and he was nearly to the point of going full rogue ninja and abandoning the Akatsuki once and for all. The lady in charge of the crafting area had given the blond very specific instructions for handling the children; start with a mask, move on to a lanyard, and if their parents still hadn't come by to pick them up after that, have them make a flower pot out of molding clay. Urgh, it was so frustratingly boring.

Looking around, Deidara had the distinct feeling that the kids weren't enjoying this any more than he was. Some of the younger ones looked pretty intent on weaving their lanyards together properly, but most looked like they couldn't wait to leave the booth and do something else. The blond peered around for the woman running the craft area; realizing she was nowhere to be seen, he decided to take a risk and spice things up a bit. Hey, it might be a little dangerous, but the kids would be happy, so that had to count for something in the long run. "All right, show of hands, un. Who's sick of this?" Every hand at the table shot up, making for a total of fourteen unhappy children. "Let's try something better, then."

Fourteen sets of eyes watched with fascination as Deidara scoped up a hunk of clay and let his handmouth begin chewing on it.

"Eww!" went half the children.

"Awesome!" went the other half.

"Who here knows what chakra is, un?" Deidara asked as he rose from his seat, still molding the clay with his handmouth.

"Oh, me!" a little brunette girl no older than seven squeaked, bouncing up and down excitedly in her seat. "Chakra is what ninjas use to make jutsus happen!"

"Pretty much, un," Deidara replied as he used his free hand to scoop the remaining clay into a satchel. There wasn't much, but he would probably be able to keep the children entertained for a bit. "Kids, grab those pipe cleaners and glitter tubes, un."

"What about the googly eyes?" a little boy near the brunette asked.

"Sure, grab it all, un. We're gonna take a little field trip into the woods and blow stuff up, un."

"YAY!" everyone cheered.

Sasori, meanwhile, was at least trying to act like an upstanding member of the community. "Think of this pipe cleaner man-"

"His name is Mr. Fuzzles," a young boy corrected.

"Fine then, Mr. Fuzzles, as a puppet." The dozen children surrounding Sasori oo'ed and ah'ed as the Akasuna began to make the toy walk, dance, and bow to the audience. "I'm controlling him by having very tiny amounts of chakra come out of my fingertips in a string-like form and attach themselves to his limbs. Depending on how well you can master this technique, you can learn to control hundreds of puppets at the same time."

"Wow, that would be so cool!" the young boy from earlier declared. "I could use a puppet to reach things my parents put on the top shelf!"

"Or clean my room without leaving my bed!" Another added.

"Or pull a prank on my sister!" a third one interjected.

"Indeed you could," Sasori agreed. "But first, you need a suitable puppet. Everyone, pipe cleaners are on the left, glue is to the right, and while I'm not saying that arming your puppet is absolutely necessary, it would be a good idea. Toothpicks are here in front of me. Let's get started."

-meanwhile, in the woods-

Itachi looked over the seven children that had been assigned to his care. How the village mayor had convinced the parents to let Akatsuki members take their children on a nature hike, when those very same parents could barely stand for the Akatsuki to live near the village, would forever remain a mystery to even the genius of Itachi Uchiha. Regardless, he needed to take care of these children to the best of his abilities; he was positive that, even with Hidan out of the picture, someone else was probably going to screw up this assignment, so he would need to pick up their slack. In short, he needed to make sure the kids loved his survival training.

Unfortunately, what a former ANBU agent (and the youngest ever at that) considered to be appropriate and basic survival and what the rest of the known world considered to be appropriate and basic survival were two vastly different things.

"Today, I am here to teach you how to survive in the wilderness," Itachi began in a tone that he hoped was slightly friendlier than the one he normally used (it wasn't). "The first thing you need to know about the wilderness; everything you see here can kill you." The children collectively gasped, and one young girl with blond pigtails began to whimper. "Animals, toxic plants, inclement weather, and rockslides are all hazards you must be on the alert for here, aside from robbers, traveling salesmen, and rouge ninjas."

"But aren't you a rogue ninja, mister?" a small boy with stringy black hair asked.

"Yes, and do you know why I'm still a rogue ninja?" All seven kids shook their heads. "Because I can survive out in the open. I will teach you how to navigate this area, how to seek shelter, how to distinguish edible from inedible plants, and much more so that one day you can grow up to be rogue ninjas instead of dead ninjas rotting in a body bag."

"But shouldn't we grow up to be good ninjas instead of outlaws like you?"

"This concludes the part of the lesson where questions are allowed. Now follow me; we're going to begin construction on a catapult so we can hunt squirrels."

-meanwhile, in another corner of the woods-

"Wow, that fish is huge!"

Kisame grinned as about half a dozen boys and girls cheered at him as he hauled a salmon nearly as long as his arm to shore. He'd taken his group to a different part of the forest than Itachi, so that the kids would be easier to manage in smaller groups and so that he and Itachi wouldn't step on each other's toes, so to speak. Each of the men were great at survival, but went about it in different ways. Itachi was probably giving the kids a botany lesson right now, whereas Kisame was far more hands-on. So far he'd shown the kids in his group how to build a fire and purify river water; now they were at the fishing-with-your-bare-hands part of the outing, near the local river. "Now, you've got to be quick," he emphasized while skewering the fish and setting it to cook by the fire on shore. "Any hesitation on your part and the fish will get away. And what happens if the fish gets away?"

"You've failed as a rogue ninja and are going to get yourself killed!" the youth chorused happily.

"Exactly! All right, let's get into the water now. Remember, shoes and socks get left on the shore! Wet socks mean trench foot, and if you get trench foot…?"

"You've failed as a rogue ninja and are going to get yourself killed!"

"Great kids, all of you." Smiling, Kisame spread the children across the shallow part of the river, encouraging them not to give up when the first couple of fish inevitably slipped through their fingertips. "I wonder how the others are doing…"

-back at the fair-

Kakuzu was growing increasingly frustrated with the people who were approaching him for financial help. Really, he was the unofficial banker of a criminal organization, not a miracle worker! Some of these people hadn't done their taxes in years; others couldn't understand why they were broke, despite their outrageous entertainment budgets and desire to eat out every night; and still more felt that making a monthly budget was "pointless." It was enough to make a grown man cry (or go on a killing spree, in Kakuzu's case).

The miser was distracted from his internal ranting when his latest client stood up and caught her shirt on a rough corner of the picnic table, ripping several inches of fabric. "Shoot, and this was my favorite shirt!" she grumbled, looking sadly at the damaged clothing.

"Hold still," Kakuzu ordered as a thread came out from his sleeve and began stitching up the fabric. Hidan tended to get hacked up so badly that Kakuzu had gotten to the point of repairing torn fabric and muscles without a second thought. It wasn't until after he'd finished the repair that he realized the locals probably weren't used to seeing mystery threads sewing things up on their own. "Er, sorry about that."

"Oh, it's good as new!" the woman crooned, tugging on the fabric to test the stitching. "Thank you!"

"Amelia, what's going on?" another woman asked as she and several of her friends wandered over to the table.

"Look girls, this Akatsuki fellow fixed my shirt right up!" Amelia proclaimed. "And he did it faster than my sewing machine could have!"

"Really?" Instantly all the women were surrounding Kakuzu, making the banker feel extremely nervous. "I have this old quilt that I've been meaning to patch for ages; could you help?"

"I guess-" the miser hesitantly answered.

"Oh, and I've got a pair of pants with a terrible rip in the crotch!" another interjected. "But could you fix it with blue thread?"

"Yes, just bring it-"

"I've been trying to hem a skirt for days, but I can't get the folds right!"

"And I've got a sweater to finish by Monday!"

Kakuzu was suddenly engulfed by women begging for his help with their own sewing projects, and to his shock he was unable to turn down any of them. Oh well. It beat trying to help people with their budgeting.

-meanwhile, near the food vendors-

Tobi was running back and forth amongst the stalls, trying to be a good boy and keep everyone well-stocked with supplies during the festival. This task, unfortunately, was much harder than Pein had made it sound. As soon as Tobi got napkins for one stall, another one needed ice. And right after Tobi brought them huge bags of ice, yet another vendor would ask for another sack of hamburger buns. This went on and on and on, until a nervous looking woman with frizzy hair and thick glasses ran up to Tobi in the middle of one of his rare breaks. "You're the gopher from the Akatsuki, right?"

"That's right!" Tobi chirped, hopping back to his feet.

"Great! Listen, our next act was supposed to be a radio therapist, but he called and cancelled at the last second! No one knows what he really looks like, so we need you to go on stage and pretend to be him, capiche?"

"What?"

"Do you understand?"

"Yes, but Tobi doesn't think they'll listen to him-"

"Relax, we're gonna put you in a beard and sweater so no one knows that you're really with the Akatsuki. Just don't sound too much like yourself and you'll be fine. These people will listen to anyone." The woman looked down to her watch and swore. "Shit, we have to get you to makeup right now!" and before Tobi could so much as let out a squeak, he was being dragged away towards the stage.

-several hours later, deep within the bowels of the forest-

Itachi watched with pleased eyes as a number of the children under his direction finished constructing the tree house that would serve as their base of operations. They'd recently finished the water purification system as well, next to the smoke house for drying the squirrel meat they'd caught. "Hn!"

Itachi turned around to see the boy with stringy hair, named Martin, approach. "Hn? (What is it?)"

"Hn! (We've completed mapping the area out to a two-mile radius, sir!)"

"Hn. (Good job. Gather the others; it's time to make compasses out of corks and a sewing needle.)"

BOOOOOOOM

Everyone in the camp suddenly froze at the sound of the explosion. "Hn? (Sir, what was that?)"

Itachi frowned, looking off into the distance. "Hn. (A challenge. Change of plans, Martin. Tell the troops to prepare for combat.)"

-half a mile away-

"Excellent work Ikari!" Deidara praised as the young brunette smiled up at him through singed bangs. "At this rate you'll be able to produce incredible explosives on your own in no time, un!"

"Deidara-sensei," another girl asked, "Does my exploding butterfly need more glitter?"

"Mm, no, but I think a pair of googly-eyes would help, un." The girl quickly attached a set of eyes to her sculpture's face, making the blond smile. "Now that's art. Ok, concentrate all your chakra into the clay, and then throw it as high as you can, un. Do it just like I showed you."

The child was all too happy to do as the bomber instructed and hurled her creation into the branches above, causing pine needles to rain down on the group when it exploded seconds later. "Cool!" she declared.

"Yeah, way better than making stupid lanyards," another boy named Mako agreed.

Deidara was about to make another comment, when he heard a branch snap. Immediately the blond stopped laughing, slipping into full ninja defense mode. "Deidara?" Mako asked.

"Kids, get behind me," Deidara ordered. "Someone else is here, un." The children immediately clustered themselves behind the bomber, some whimpering and others trying to put on a tough face. "All right everyone, I want you pour as much chakra into your sculptures as you can right now, un. When I give you the signal, throw them and run for it, un!"

"Right," the children chorused, putting as much energy into the task as their little bodies would possibly allow.

"Ready…and…now!"

-

BOOOOM

BOOOOM

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Kisame paused in his lesson on how to make a proper rabbit snare and cocked his head, motioning for the kids around him to be quiet. "I recognize that scream of terror," he muttered to himself. "What the hell is Deidara doing all the way out here?"

The shark's question was answered a moment later when Deidara and three small, singed children suddenly burst out of the brush and stumbled into the shark's campsite. Kisame very nearly put out the blond's eye with a kunai, and Deidara was only saved by his quick reflexes and catlike flexibility (thank you yoga classes). "Kisame, what the hell, un?!"

"Deidara? Aren't you supposed to be working the arts and crafts table right now?"

"Deidara-sensei wanted to make things more interesting for us!" Ikari explained in a chipper voice. "We've been blowing stuff up all day!"

"Leader is going to kill you," Kisame flatly stated.

"Look who's talking, un!" Deidara shot back. "Pein specifically said only teach them the basics, and I'm pretty sure that's a bear skin you've got drying on the rack over there, un!"

"Well duh! Killing and skinning bears were basic survival skills I learned back in my home village!"

"…"

"What?"

"Never mind, un," Deidara muttered with a shake of his head. "Listen, I have bigger problems right now! My group was attacked by a band of midgets covered in war-paint that only spoke in 'hns'!"

"What kind of 'hn'? Like, 'hnn' or '_hn_'?" Kisame demanded.

"Um, I guess the second one?"

Kisame frowned and stroked his chin. "In that case, we're probably dealing with a wandering tribe of the Hnnese, as opposed to the semi-nomadic Hnnsians."

"What the hell are you talking about, un?"

"They're indigenous groups of wanderers that developed a unique language system based mostly around the 'hn' sound. Quite an advanced vocabulary, but they are limited to four verb tenses. Itachi spent some time traveling with the Hnnese before the Akatsuki picked him up. That's where he learned the language, and I learned it from him."

"…Wow."

"Seriously Deidara, how did you think I learned to speak Hnnglish?"

"Well, you see…we kind of always assumed…"

"What, that Itachi was just making grunting noises and I happened to know exactly what he meant every time? Come on Deidara, that's just ridiculous!"

"Ehehe, yeah." Deidara shook his head; there were more pressing matters to deal with right now. "The point is, those weirdo nomads snatched half my group, un! If we don't get the kids back ASAP, we're all dead meat, un."

"Fair enough." Smirking, Kisame turned to his group of adventurers. "All right kids, who wants to go on a search and rescue mission?"

"We do!" they all chimed in.

"Wonderful bunch of kids, really," Kisame whispered to Deidara. "Can't wait to see them grow up and start murdering people."

-meanwhile, back in town-

"Dr. Sancho, I'm almost positive that my husband is seeing another woman behind my back, and I don't know how to handle it!" The audience gasped and tittered as the middle-aged brunette spoke into the microphone, tears welling up in her eyes. "What should I do?"

Tobi cleared his throat and reached up to scratch the fake beard on his face; man, was this thing itchy! "In my experience, that is, the experience of Dr. Sancho, who is totally me, it pays to be honest! Nothing ever gets done if people are subtle about their problems. Like, if you leave a bunch of dishes in the sink but don't tell anyone it's their turn to do the dishes, then the dishes will just keep piling up, and pretty soon everyone is eating off paper towels because there are so many dishes in the sink that no one wants to begin washing them!"

The audience broke out into applause when Tobi finished; man, giving people advice really was super easy! Plus it let him vent about the chores around the base that never got done until Tobi the perpetual good boy saw fit to start on them. Which reminded him; he really needed to straighten up Pein's office at some point this week…

-meanwhile, at Itachi's camp-

Itachi was beginning to think this exercise might have gone a bit far. While he was quite angry at Deidara for having his band of hooligans hurl explosives at his own squad of children (and they, likewise, were quite upset at having been attacked), there was a very good chance that taking half of the arts and crafts kids hostage had not been a good idea. Particularly not when those hostages were being held in a net dangled off the side of the treehouse. "Hn. (We may have gone a bit overboard this time)."

"Hn! (Itachi-sensei, intruders are approaching!)"

Itachi barely had time to assume a defensive stance before a wave of icy river water crashed over him, sending the Uchiha flying into the MESS tent behind him. "Hn! (Defensive formation, now!)"

What followed next was a battle for the ages: children with bombs attacking children in war-paint attacking children with strange obsessions in regards to becoming rogue ninjas. Bombs were thrown, snares were set (and subsequently set off), and many a black eye was received on the field. Although epic in scale, however, the fight was short in respect to time, as not even five minutes into the fray, Itachi found the cause of this sudden onslaught in the form of an enthusiastic shark commander. "All right troops, counter to the left-"

"Kisame Hoshigaki, you had better not be the reason I'm soaking wet right now."

The shark froze, terrified at the sound of Itachi's voice, and ever so slowly turned his head to the side to confirm his worst fear. "Hey angel," he croaked out weakly in a voice that would not have been heard if the fighting hadn't suddenly stopped at Itachi's cold comment. "So, ah, I guess that you're the one in charge of these kids?"

"…"

"Hehe, you're probably wondering what happened here. Well, funny story. See, Deidara saw your kids and heard them speaking in 'hns' like you do, so naturally I assumed this was a tribe of wandering nomads-"

"You will be given a five-second head start," Itachi snapped, having grown weary of the shark's explanation. "Use it wisely."

"Kids, run for town!" Kisame shouted, sending both his and Deidara's troops into a panic. The sight of fleeing adversaries reenergized Itachi's kids, and with childish war-cries they gave chase.

-meanwhile, back on the stage-

"All right, Dr. Sancho has time for one more question!" Tobi chirped.

"Yes, I have one," a familiar voice growled out.

Tobi felt his stomach sink into the heel of his shoes when he realized the speaker was Pein. "Er, and w-what might that b-b-be?"

"You see, I have this employee who never follows my instructions. I've warned him numerous times about this issue, but he never seems to listen. At what point do you think I should stop trying and just **terminate** his position in the company?"

"That is a great question, so how about we talk off-stage?!" Tobi suggested, sweating bullets as he rose from his seat. "All right everyone, that's it for tonight! Thank you, and don't forget to tune in to my radio show this evening!" And with that, Tobi was backstage.

The masked ninja barely had time to switch out the fake beard for his signature swirly mask before Pein was upon him, choking the life out of the little hyperactive ninja. "Pein, Tobi can't breathe!" the boy squeaked.

"I told you to be a gopher, not an advice columnist!" Pein snapped. "Do you have any idea how much damage your twisted understanding of the world could cause these people?!"

Pein got his answer a moment later when a scream and the sound of splintering wood rang out from the audience area. He and Tobi stepped out from the backstage area just in time to see the middle-aged brunette from earlier tackle a much-younger looking blond. "Home-wrecker!" she yelled, tearing at the woman's hair.

"See?!" Pein snapped. "This is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid!"

Pein's chastising was suddenly cut short by a flash of tan as very familiar banker dove under the stage, clearly fearing for his life. "Kakuzu? What in blazes-"

Pein's inquiry was interrupted by what felt very much like a small earthquake. The Akatsuki leader, Tobi, and most of the audience fell to their feet as the shaking got worse and worse. All of a sudden a herd of little old ladies with fabric patches charged past, shouting incoherently and managing to deeply confuse the people they ran past. Once the mob was a safe distance away and the ground had stopped shaking, Pein bent down and peeked under the stage. "And what the hell did you do?!"

"Old ladies," Kakuzu gasped, clearly needing a bit more time to recover from this traumatizing experience. "Tried to…make me…join…quilting…circle…"

"Why do they…never mind, I know you people, and I know that I really don't want to know what you did to make this happen."

"AAAAAAAH!"

Pein's heart sank into his sandals as he heard several screams coming from the direction of the arts and crafts area. Upon further investigation, he found the woman in charge of the area being chased into the main fairgrounds by a small army of dolls made out of pipe cleaners and armed with toothpicks. "What in Kami's name…?"

"Still have something to say about my art?" Sasori called out after the fleeing woman. "Ha! These children have learned more about true art in a day than you have in your whole life!"

"Sasori, what the hell?!"

The redhead turned to Pein, giving the enraged leader a rather bored look. "She saw that we were making pipe cleaner puppets instead of lanyards and told us to 'throw out that trash!' Naturally, I and my students did not take kindly to her order, and retaliated."

"Sasori, I swear to all your gods and mine-"

"RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!"

Pein, Kakuzu, Tobi, and Sasori all turned to see another dozen or so children running out of the forest, hurling exploding clay figurines and sharpened sticks behind them. Kisame and Deidara were rushing alongside them, shouting directions at the kids. Moments later, another band of children, these ones painted from head to toe and much better armed, ran out of the forest in pursuit of the other youths, communicating through 'hn's much as Itachi did.

Pein groaned and sank to his knees. "One day. One day of peace, and good behavior, and being helpful. That was all I asked of you people. And you couldn't even give me that much."

"I suppose we should start looking into our real estate options?" Sasori inquired, though the bulk of his attention was still focused on the battle before him.

Pein was about to make a very sharp, very foul-mouthed retort, but Kakuzu suddenly held his hand up. "Shh. Can you hear that?"

"…"

The others listened for a second, but couldn't distinguish any particular noise over the din of their comrades unleashing unprecedented amounts of mayhem on the villagers. "Pein, get them to shut up," Kakuzu requested. "This is important."

"Why you…I should…grr…" Pein turned to the pandemonium in front of him, cupped his hands around his mouth, and shouted as loudly as he could manage, "Everyone who doesn't want to be violently and painfully fired in the next five minutes needs to pipe down and get over here, NOW!"

Kisame, Deidara, and Itachi stopped their fighting at this command, clearly surprised to find that they'd wandered so close to their leader. Ordering the kids in their care to cease fire for the time being, the trio regrouped with their fellow rogue ninjas and looked to Pein, silently expecting an explanation. "Better?" the leader asked Kakuzu, still quite miffed at the tone the banker had taken with him.

"Yes. You hear that?"

"…aaaaaaaaaaah-"

"Yeah, it sounds like someone shouting, un," Deidara remarked. "Only really far away."

"aaaaaaaAAAAAA-"

"Wait, they're getting closer," Sasori chimed in. "And it almost sounds…"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Like Hidan," Kakuzu finished as the Jashinist suddenly ran up the country road and into their line of vision. "No wonder it sounded familiar."

"Oh great, now we have a pissed-off zealot to deal with," Pein snapped. "I hope you people are happy. Jinxes be damned, this day could not possibly get any worse now, under any circumstances!"

For a brief while, it seemed that Pein was right. However, as Hidan got closer and closer to the main group, it slowly became apparent that the Jashinist was not running angrily towards his sneaky comrades, but rather appeared to be in a heightened state of terror and was running away _from_ something else. "Look out, it's coming!" he shouted, taking a defensive stance in front of the other Akatsuki members and glaring down the road he'd just been traveling upon.

"What's com-" but Pein never got around to finishing his sentence, because at that moment a great lumbering beast, fifty feet in height and twice as wide, stormed towards the village with a mighty roar from the mountain pass that separated this settlement from the outside world.

"Oh dear Kami, look at those scales!" Deidara shrieked.

"Forget the scales, what's going on with its fur?!" Kisame demanded.

"Both of you, forget about that," Sasori snapped. "We need to be worried about those spikes and claws."

There was no doubt about it; the Akatsuki had come face to face with a snipe.

The festival completely forgotten, Pein jumped into ninja leader mode without breaking a sweat. "Tobi, get everyone out of the area immediately! We can't fight properly with citizens present."

"Ask our kids to help," Kisame called out. "Tell them it's good ninja practice!" Tobi nodded and quickly took command of the survival groups and arts and crafts sects. Soon the area was entirely free from civilians, leaving the snipe a prime target for Akatsuki attacks.

"Kakuzu, use your threads to hold that thing in place! Itachi, try to set the fur on fire! Hidan, once it's distracted, slice up the tendons in its back legs!"

"How the hell are you gonna distract that thing?!" the zealot demanded.

"Sasori, use your puppet skills on Deidara and Kisame. We need bait."

"WHAT?!" the two victims demanded.

"Kisame, you don't have your sword and your water techniques would be counter-productive to Itachi's fireballs. Deidara, there isn't enough clay here to do anything more than piss off that snipe even more. Our best bet is to let Sasori use his techniques to our advantage, and since all of his puppets are back at the base he'll need appropriate substitutes."

"Don't worry brat," Sasori remarked, already raising his hands into a familiar position for controlling his puppets, "I won't let anything hurt you."

"What about me?" Kisame grumbled, starting a bit as his body was suddenly jerked forward. "Urgh, this feels weird."

"Be quiet and go limp," Sasori ordered. "See, Deidara's already got it down."

Kisame decided not to press the matter, seeing as he really didn't want to think about how Deidara became so good at submitting to Sasori's chakra strings. Instead, he allowed the redhead to make himself and Deidara run directly in front of the snipe, catching the beast's attention and causing it to snap at the ninjas. Sasori of course yanked his comrades to safety at the last second, which nearly gave Kisame a heart attack and angered the snipe even more. The fight was on.

Itachi hammered the creature with fireball after fireball, while Hidan slashed at any part of its legs that were within throwing distance of his scythe. The snipe howled and spun around to snap at the Jashinist, only to be distracted once again as Deidara and Kisame ran up its front legs and began kicking at its face. The monster snapped and swiped at the duo, but Sasori always tugged them back to safety at the last moment.

"Kakuzu, slow that thing down!" Pein ordered when Itachi very nearly got his head taken off for the third time in a short while.

"If you think you could do a better job, step right up," the banker retorted. All the threads in his arms were being used to restrain a number of the monster's many legs, but there was only so much one ninja could do. "Hidan, quit screwing around already!"

"Here we go!" the Jashinist yelled as his scythe finally tore out a chunk of muscle, making the snipe howl in pain. "Ha! Your scales are shit to me, monster."

Clumps of earth flew through the air as the snipe flailed around, violently and thoughtlessly lashing out at any ninja it happened to see at that moment. Had it not been for Pein's careful directions during this time, the fight might have moved into the main part of town. Fortunately for all the locals this never came to pass, and soon enough the Akatsuki had gained the upper hand. Finally, Hidan delivered a blow that caused the beast to collapse entirely, howling in agony and snapping at the Akatsuki members. "Now what?!" the Jashinist demanded.

At that moment, Pein surprised everyone by gathering a massive amount of chakra into his fist, charging directly at the beast, and then unleashing such a powerful punch that it completely crushed the snipe's skull in a single blow. "I am having a very bad day," Pein ground out. "You will not contribute to that any further."

"Hey, they killed it!"

"HOORAAAAAAAY!"

The Akatsuki members spun around to see that a crowd had gathered at the edge of the battlefield. Now that the snipe was dead, the villagers that were present broke out into massive cheering and screaming, praising the Akatsuki for saving the village.

"Listen up, you morons," Pein ordered in a hushed whisper. "We just happened to save the village from a random attack, we have no idea where this snipe came from and we certainly did not send Hidan out to look for it. Got that?"

"Yes sir leader," the others chorused. And for once, they fully intended to listen to Pein.

-several hours later-

Once the fairgrounds had been tidied up a bit, every grill and barbecue in the village was brought together to cook bits of butchered snipe. The children ran around among the adults, showing off their newly-gained ninjas skills to their parents, who were somewhat shocked at what their kids were now able to do. However, any unease about the situation was quickly dissipated by a reminder that these very same skills had allowed their children to help get the villagers out of harm's way during the snipe attack, and that maybe knowing such techniques wasn't entirely a bad thing. There was even talk of setting up a program similar to a summer camp to further this sort of training.

Kakuzu had tragically been pinned down by the little old ladies after the battle, and was now helping a number of them with their quilting. "Such a nice gentleman," one of them remarked, patting the banker on the head. Kakuzu was grateful that Hidan was on the other side of the fairgrounds now, finishing his ritual to Jashin after the snipe death; the miser doubted he would be able to live through the humiliation of Hidan seeing him like this.

Kisame and Itachi were finishing their lesson by showing the kids which wild herbs could be picked to season the snipe, and which ones would result in vomiting blood before convulsing and dying. Deidara and Sasori were tidying up the crafting area with the help of their students, who kept assuring the pair of ninjas that one day they, too, would become great artists.

Tobi, for once being free of things to do, decided to go in search of his partner. No one had heard from Zetsu for several hours now, making the masked man quite nervous. "Zetsu, where are you?" he called out, ambling along the far edge of the festival.

Much to Tobi's surprise, he found the plant man crouched down in the middle of a pumpkin patch, surrounded by older women wearing floppy hats and leather gloves. "Now, if you split the stalk like this and let it soak in milk, the pumpkins will grow much bigger-"

"Zetsu, you're ok!"

The schizo looked up at Tobi, giving the masked ninja a surprised look. "**Of course I am**. I've been here doing exactly what Pein asked."

"Yeah, but there was this fight, and a bunch of yelling, and…er, never mind. We're having a barbecue in half an hour; everyone's invited!" And with that Tobi sat down beside his partner, silently watching as the plant man continued to give out gardening tips.

-meanwhile, back at the base-

Pein had just gotten home, deciding that while the others got drunk and stuffed themselves on snipe, he and Konan could spend a quiet evening together in an empty base. He was even thinking about breaking out a bottle of red wine to celebrate the Akatsuki's victory today.

After the snipe had been destroyed, the mayor and several village elders had gathered together to discuss what should be done about the Akatsuki. The mayor then approached Pein and informed the Akatsuki leader that, while most of the elders felt that the Akatsuki were incredibly dangerous and somewhat demented, they also had valuable skills and could be quite useful in a pinch, so the village might as well have the ninjas on their side. In short, the organization could stay. He couldn't wait to tell Konan.

Upon entering the base, however, the Akatsuki leader immediately realized that a quiet evening at home was simply out of the question. Papers were scattered over every imaginable surface of the base, stacking up several feet high in some areas. The door itself appeared to have been buried at some point, given how many papers spilled out when Pein opened the door. "What on earth…"

"Pein?!"

The Akatsuki leader looked up to see Konan, standing on the other side of the room and looking extremely disheveled. There were bags under her eyes, her hair was askew, and somehow she'd fashioned what appeared to be a safari hat and outfit out of paper. "Oh thank goodness it's you!" she exclaimed, bounding across the room and tackling her boyfriend.

"Konan, what happened here?!"

"Paperwork," she gasped out. "So much…it went on forever…I lost contact with the outside world, and was trapped in here with nothing but files as far as the eye could see! How long have I been gone, Pein?! What year is it? Did Sasori ever get Deidara to wear that corset?!"

"Sweetie, it's been about twelve hours, if that," Pein gently explained. "You're experiencing post traumatic sorting disorder from all this paperwork."

"What?"

Pein sighed and gently tugged her towards the door. "Come on. I know about a nice barbecue that will make you feel much better. We'll have Tobi clean this up later." And resigning himself to the fact that he'd probably never get to truly enjoy a peaceful evening at the base, Pein led his girlfriend down the mountain and into town to join the rest of the Akatsuki for a good meal and decent company.


End file.
